[Transcript represents full sermon's text]

       Jane Austin tells the story in her book ‘Pride and Prejudice’ (1813) chapter 25 of the story of a woman where things are not going her way as pertains to love, to a relationship. Indeed, Jane Bennet had believed things were going well between her and her boyfriend Charles Bingley. But she receives a message from Charles’s sister that he will be returning to London with his sisters, and isn’t planning on spending much time in the countryside any longer—which is where Jane lives. Indeed, the whole story begins around Christmastime when her aunt and uncle come to visit. Anyhow, with her aunt hearing of the story, she instructs young Jane that she ought to venture with her to London herself, back where they live, and Jane’s sister Elizabeth thinks, or rather hopes, this will give opportunities for Jane and Charles to meet again—to have the relationship continue. Will it work?—no one really knows for sure. The hope is small, and yet, it is a hope nevertheless—something that could possibly happen, and that’s better than nothing. It seems Elizabeth believes that a little hope is better than no hope at all.

       Everyone of us have found ourselves in similar shoes at some point in our lives. Each of us have had things that we thought were going to go a certain way, and then, all of the sudden, something comes out of nowhere, and they go a different way. The speaker can definitely think of several times this happened to him, and could probably think of many if sitting down and pondering it. Sometimes people have to wait longer than they want to for what they want to come to pass in life. That’s just the way it works. Also, sometimes, dare it be thought or dare it be said, what we want, what we desire, actually does not come to pass. The wish, the hope that we had, doesn’t happen. And because of that—because that’s the way the world can work at times—it’s best not to secure our foundation in anything, anything that is material, even within a person, other than God himself. We have hopefully come to realize that God is our only security. Really, he’s our only constant—the only One we know will be there if all else goes another way—if even something we hoped for isn’t going to happen.

       The truth is, when it comes to relationships, things can be hard on both the sexes. Perhaps we would venture to say, and there certainly is some truth to it, that because we as men can find self-worth in the work we do—in our careers and whatever else it is that we choose to do—because of that, we don’t suffer as much when we don’t have a woman. We are able to take pride in that and feel satisfied. Nevertheless, it is the twenty-first century, and woman certainly have careers as well, and perhaps they also find pride at times in those careers. But for a woman who is not career driven, they can often find themselves lacking value without a man in their life. Especially for the woman who is more old school, waiting on that hope can be a particular burden. Taking great value in their relationships, lacking that most significant one (outside of God), can seem daunting. Sometimes a wait has to occur since the kind of man that is desired simply isn’t there—not in the current picture, the current set of circumstances. And sometimes, unfortunately, there seems to be scarcity in really anyone worthwhile even to choose from.

       It is good for a woman or a man to wait, and not to give in to that temptation to settle. It seems safe to say that men aren’t as tempted to settle as women are. Now, why would that be? Well, women may settle for the sake for consistency and commitment. As a matter of fact, we see that in ‘Pride and Prejudice’ when Elizabeth Bennet’s friend Charlotte Lucas settles for a man named William Collins, who is a minister, and who Elizabeth herself had turned down not too long before. That choice seems easier for a woman. As already stated, men can find satisfaction more-so in the work they do, what they achieve in life. Therefore, not having that significant other seems to be more easily worked around. Not to mention the fact the men, biologically, have more time to wait versus a woman. It’s just the way nature is. Howbeit, sometimes it is true that women wait too long because they have set a bar so high that no man can actually reach that bar. Everyone knows this fact. There are some women who are focused so much on the man’s achievement—“He must make this much money or work that kind of career.” And, at the same time, looks are often taken into account. A woman can want a man who looks the part as well—perhaps being a model of some kind or even a body builder. Yet, all the while, when it comes to men focusing on them, they want the man to look at their heart, and nothing else. Perhaps they have, and that’s why their still single.

       Nonetheless, when a woman does find a man that is interested, it is good when she does not lead that person on. It’s not wrong for anyone to change their mind, but if you’re going to do it, at least do it kindly. That’s all anyone can ask. But if you’re not interested in the first place—don’t lead a person on the boost up your personal ego, or so that your friends can see another person is interested in you. That’s not right—that’s not what God would want an individual to do. Paul said, “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another” (Ephesians 4:25, ESV). If you’re not interested, simply make that clear. It’s actually pretty easy. A few men may not ‘get’ the message, but most will.

       Of course, men should not seem interested in women to use them—that’s no good either. It is true that a man may lead a woman on as she is the only person present in his life at the moment, she is easy to be in a relationship with, and he simply wants company. The whole problem besides leading the woman on is that the man himself will not commit, and he will never commit if he thinks he can have a relationship with someone better. In other words, if he feels he’s settling, he may do so for the sake of the quick and easy relationship in the moment but later, when push comes to shove, he will not marry the woman. Women can become deceived into thinking they can convince a man to marry when really, in reality, he’s never going to marry because he truly doesn’t love the woman. Woman can love-bomb men in order to try to get them to stay in the relationship, whether that’s through gifts, or fancy dinners, or whatever. But this just prolongs the inevitable. And sometimes, sometimes, the woman may come to the conclusion that there is something wrong with her, when, obviously, in reality there isn’t anything wrong with her. The golden rule for a man is that if he has to talk himself into being in a relationship with a woman, then the truth is he really doesn’t like her.

       Sometimes women will try to give the best versions of themselves in order to try to salvage a failing relationship. The hope is that it will be met in return with the best version of the man. Doing this, however, doesn’t mean that the man will do the same thing. It’s a good idea, but it certainly always doesn’t equate to success. As just explained, for a man who isn’t truly interested, there is a reason.

       The truth is, at the end of the day, for people seeking relationships, it’s good to remember that no person is perfect. Of course, when first getting to know someone, there is that magical illusion that takes place wherein each individual thinks the other can do no wrong. They say “love is blind” and that is what is meant. Just because two persons are in love doesn't mean all their flaws cease. It doesn’t mean their sin-natures just disappear. Especially, in speaking of relationships in terms of nowadays, in our current time, since persons are frequently coming from previous relationships wherein they were intimate, or even from being divorced, they bring baggage with them. That baggage won’t go away—and it can often be more wise not even to marry a second time if coming from a past that is complicated (like a divorce). It is understood that the divorce rate on second marriages is usually somewhere near 70 percent. That’s a bad number, a bad number. The speaker thinks it is likely due to the fact that people don’t correct the issues that caused their first marriage to fail. There’s a reason that first marriage failed—and it may have to some degree involved both parties. Sure, there are cases where it’s pretty much one-sided, but there are a lot of cases where it isn’t. If previous problems aren’t recognized and corrective action taken, they’ll just manifest themselves again in the second marriage, alongside all the baggage that’s present. So, it can become pretty toxic pretty fast.

       It is good to bring up in this discussion the whole area of topic about loneliness. What about loneliness? Some people are by themselves because their spouse has passed away. That can beget loneliness for sure. Paul did say, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, ESV). He also said of widows, “in my judgment she is happier if she remains as she is”—that is, single (see 1 Corinthians 7:40, ESV). So, one has to make a choice. Some folks have broken up with another, and sometimes they were in that relationship a long time. It’s important for persons in these shoes not to go back to an old person simply to have someone again. If you broke up with that person, there is probably a good reason for that. The mind has a tendency to forget when love is entangled with it, and to only think about the good things. But the bad still happened. It is still there. Remember, having no partner is better than having the wrong partner. A lot of people don’t realize this fact. The wrong partner only leads to regret and trouble.

       The truth is, one needs to feel whole and complete within themselves. We are new creations in Christ, after all. Paul said, “if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17, ESV). And as Paul told us in 1 Corinthians, one does not have to have a spouse in order to be happy. That’s frequently a deception our minds fall into—into thinking we have to have a spouse in order to be whole and complete in life. Yet, Paul told us that’s not the case by advising some people not to marry. As a matter of fact, the research shows that once the newness of marriage has worn off—after the whole honeymoon phrase and everything has become routine—that our level of happiness returns to where it previously was before we were married (1). Also true is that having children can actually increase overall stressful feelings. That’s probably because of the unique challenges that children bring, including all the dynamics that are involved (2). This is simply said to make the point that not everything is roses and cherries as the mind often make-believes it is. If you’re single wishing for a family someday, look around you and consider: have married people reached the epitome of happiness? Are all married people with kids the happiest people on the face of the earth?

       Regardless, it can be pointed out that friends can oftentimes fill the void for loneliness. Women can probably more easily testify to this since they tend to have more of a variety of friends. With men, this might take a little more effort. But if someone doesn’t feel whole and complete within themselves, or while they are learning to do that, they can cultivate good relationships with others—not just with a spouse. Small groups with the church body are a good way to accomplish this. It would seem that no matter what circumstances one finds themselves in, whether married or single, that small groups are a must have. That should be a no-brainer, but sometimes people don’t realize their importance. It is necessary to be around individuals with the same belief structure as you have. If you’re Christian and single, you don’t just want to be around secular people and not have any friends within the faith. There’s no way things are going to go well longterm without Christian friends. Some persons even go to multiple groups a week. Whatever works. It’s simply necessary to be part of something, and besides, this is what God wants from us. The writer of Hebrews has told us, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24, 25, ESV).

       When we are single, no matter what the past circumstances, we can enjoy the time we have now. Really, this is key—to be happy with your life as it is now. Not to obtain, but simply to surrender and be happy. This reminds the speaker of an old quote from George Washington of all people. On one occasion, he noted, “happiness depends more upon the internal frame of a persons mind than on the externals in the world” (3). Some of us may realize that, but many do not. This is what is foundational, however. It can become so easy to focus on what our external circumstances are, and yet forget that we have the ability to freely choose how we wish to frame those external circumstances. We have the free choice on what we focus on right now. Sure, we can focus on how sad we are that we don’t have a partner, or we can choose to enjoy life regardless, to enjoy it without having the answer as to why our circumstances aren’t the way we want them. We want a spouse, but we don’t have a spouse. We can still choose regardless to enjoy life—to focus on the good things, the things that are working while we wait for better opportunities in that area. Teachers have said this in the past, but it really is the key to success. Being pouty and grumpy and upset and disturbed isn’t going to do any good. It’s not going to make a new person come along, and it’s only going to serve to ruin each day as it comes. For most of us, bad things haven’t even happened in our lives compared to what has happened to some people. And yet, people live as if they were the victim of something really bad.

       The beautiful thing about being single is that single persons get to call the shots with everything—with what they spend their time doing: where they go, what movies they watch, how they spend their money, etc. An individual’s time is devoted to what they want to focus on. This is even true when it comes to doing things for God. Paul said, “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:32-34, ESV). As a single person, it’s not wrong to go about and do things by yourself—whatever those things are. That’s whether it is eating out, going to events, going shopping, whatever it is. The Christian ideal is that it is often wrong for a person to spend time alone. But that certainly isn’t our experiential reality. Doing things alone only feels bad when one tells themselves it’s wrong—when one allows the inner-voice in their head to bagger them and make them feel bad. It’s all in how one views things (4). We know, for instance, that Jesus spent a lot of time alone when he was praying with God. And that demonstrates a great truth, that no matter where we go or what we do that God is always with us. We always have him to commune with.

       Now, when a person does decide to start dating, or decides they are interested in someone in their life, and they are thinking about the whole process, it’s helpful, in the speaker’s opinion, to recognize the attachment style in the other individual. It seems this will only lead to choosing a better relationship, and in going with someone that is better geared to work for you in the long run. Short-term, it often appears like many people are compatible. When truly getting to know a person, however, then comes the challenges. If one is better aligned with someone that individually fits their attachment style, it can make things easier. Of course, this is a new science in modern times. Psychologists seem to have identified four different attachment styles, and the whole population fits into one of the four, with three of them being the most common. Anyhow, without getting into the specifics, the attachment styles are laid out in a secular book called ‘Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller. The speaker has brought up this book in the past, and it is believed that the information presented here can be particularly helpful when one is considering how they might jive without someone else. Also of note, this is a secular book, so be mindful of that. Regardless, the speaker has found that the information presented actually can be helpful not just with potential dating relationships, but also with relationships in general.

       Above all else, and perhaps this is the most significant thing presented here, as it lays a foundation to everything else, is to pray and be hopeful. It is pray and be hopeful. Certainly, some people have already spent a lot of time doing that, and that is good. The important thing is to keep that surrendered attitude in prayer, in that we are okay regardless of the outcome. It can be particularly tempting at times to become impatient, or to think that we know more than we actually do about a person or a situation. It is true in a few instances, that some persons have been waiting a real long time. Say more than a decade to finding the right person. Just no one has come along that one feels they are compatible with. Again, God has to work with the circumstances of the world as they are. Often times God cannot just make an individual magically appear, but these things take time. He has to take into account what you want, what other people want, and even what he wants (and hopefully one is aligning what they want with godly principles). Nevertheless, all these different facets come into play. So, it can be a highly complex process, especially for the person who is more introverted and isn’t very charismatic, able to freely talk to every soul they come across. It’s not that an individual has to become an extreme extrovert, and totally change. But just be mindful that it’s helpful to pray, and the cast the care on God to the best of one’s ability, and keep hope in the mind that something will manifest in the future. It’s good to be optimistic, even if it is long-term optimism.

       The key to the whole thing is when you do find the right person is not to focus so much attention as to what the other person is saying but actually to the actions they are displaying. Again, not to focus so much attention as to what the other person is saying but actually to the actions they are displaying. It is true that other people can get in the middle of things, like, in going back to what we discussed in the opening of this message, like Charles’s sister did in interfering with Charles’s and Jane’s relationship. The sister didn’t like the choice, and was trying to persuade her brother to choose otherwise—specifically toward a person that she liked for him. People have to make their own choices, and we should not interfere (without a godly reason). Of course, we can assume that Jane prayed a lot, along with her sister Elizabeth. This obviously contributed to a positive ending—to things working out the way the both of them wanted. With prayer and patience, circumstances eventually worked out. Yet, even if they hadn’t, which, again, sometimes they don’t, as Jane demonstrated in the novel, it is necessary to be surrendered about the outcome, to be willing to accept whatever happens. God is our most important individual and relationship in our life, and it is he that ultimately matters. It is he that we cannot live without. Remember, and this is not meant to pour cold water on things at the end here, but marriage is temporary. It is an earthly thing. This is a funny saying (well, it’s sort of funny), but that’s that every person leaves the other person eventually. Every person leaves the other person eventually. That’s the way it works. For the couple who stays together, one will eventually leave the other through death. That’s the way it works. No matter how it comes about, marriage is not eternal.

- Daniel Litton

Reference

(1) See Daniel Kauheman’s ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ (2011) Chapter 38 for more on this.

(2) See Kauheman’s ‘Thinking, Fast and Slow’ Chapter 37.

(3) As cited in Larson, Edward J. (2014). The Return of George Washington: Uniting the States, 1783-1789. Pg. 96.

(4) For more on this line of thinking, a good book to consider is David D. Burns’s ‘Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy’ (1980, 1999), specifically Chapter 12.