[Transcript represents full sermon's text]

       Today we move into the setup of the family. Starting in verse 18 of Colossians 3: “Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord” (ESV).

       One could look at this verse from the Apostle Paul as being one of which is out-dated, one of which is no longer for our current day and age in twenty-first century America. Indeed, many have adopted that view, even in the Evangelical World. In scanning the recesses of the mind, and thinking of all the couples which are either currently known or have been known in the past (people of which are close to the speaker’s age—latter 30s), most do not practice this verse. Just to take a random guess, it seems it would be 80 percent or so. That is, maybe 8 out of 10 couples known don’t practice the concept of the wife submitting to the husband. That looks to be about right, as many of you can probably relate to for sure. The practice that is most common, let’s say 60 percent of couples from the personal experience, would be that of a relationship of co-equalness wherein the husband and the wife mutually submit to each other. That would leave the other 20 percent, on the opposite side of the spectrum, wherein the husband submits to the wife. Again, these are Christian couples—not couples who don’t know Jesus. So, in the final analysis, again it would seem most don’t practice Paul’s words here.

       In the time spent in the Amish-Mennonite world, that year or so spent there, things were quite a bit different. And remember, these people are living in our current time, in our current day and age. Time travel wasn’t utilized in the sense, at least, of using a physical time machine, like that in the form of a car. Nonetheless, in thinking about the married Amish-Mennonite women, most of them known were submissive to their husbands. It would be guessed well over 90 percent. So, the concept of a wife submitting to her husband can still be practiced in this day and age. It’s not impossible. Yet, obviously due to the influence of the more liberal American culture, surprisingly most among the Evangelicals don’t practice this model, especially considering the younger the couple. The American culture generally seems to teach that a husband and wife should be co-equal in authority, that the woman does not need to submit, and indeed, should not. Such a setup would be seen as archaic, out-dated, not for our times. It would even be seen by some as oppressive toward the women. To summarize, the common belief is that the woman should have equal power in all things as pertains to the marriage relationship.

       So, is the practice of the wife submitting to the husband still something that is to be practiced in our current times, or does it belong back in a world in which women were largely uneducated compared to the men? It is true that in our times, women are treated more equally to men in many ways. Why, woman are encouraged to attend college following high school and obtain a degree, and many go on past the common bachelors degree to a masters or so much as a Ph’D. Women take powerful positions in organizations and do very well. The speaker has worked with women in the past whom he has thought very highly of, one’s in positions of power, who did their jobs very well. And so, the question becomes, now that woman are more equal to men in society, does that mean that the traditional model of marriage is to be thrown out as well? The views when it comes to this question will differ dramatically among those in the body of believers. People having differing opinions. We know many churches to a greater extent want woman to be ministers, leaders in the church. They lead in business, so why not lead within the church? This is what we see and what some of us experience.

       We know several verses from now that Paul is going to be talking about bondservants and masters, and we know and certainly believe that simply because he talks about this subject it isn’t meant that slavery should still be practiced. And one will certainly point to this fact and say, “See, just as slavery shouldn’t be practiced anymore, so the wife submitting to the husband doesn’t need to be practiced.” We also know, in considering women, that elsewhere Paul laid out certain clothing prescriptions, and even suggested (depending on how one interprets it) that woman should wear a head-covering. Uh-oh. Hardly any women within the church wear head-coverings, at least of the younger generations. Things are getting more difficult, then, in this discussion.

       But not to get too carried off by this, and without going on any further, it will be stated that it is believed that still now, in our current day and age, that at the very least this model presented by the Apostle Paul is the best practice that God has prescribed for the marriage relationship. One can argue that it is no longer relevant and the wife doesn’t need to submit, but this is what God originally setup, and so this is the model in this relationship that is going to work out best. Whether or not God knew that society would elevate women to be more equal to men is up to debate—it depends on one’s view of time, and whether or not time exists or not. It has been seen and witnessed, in the personal experience, that relationships which are setup this way, with the husband being head, are the bestest, and most happiest relationships. The relationships witnessed in which the woman is co-equal or all the way as the head, do not seem as happy. It appears that the woman is designed with those motherly attributes in-stilled in her by God to want to do all the nurturing and caring of the children as they are brought up, and it appears that the man’s natural inclination is to lead in the relationship. Why, if a woman is properly taught as a child, she usually will want and desire for the man to lead. It appears that only when dysfunction has occurred in the upbringing of a woman does she desire to lead herself. Sometimes too it is because she has a rebellious heart, which isn’t related to the upbringing, but it’s one or the other.

       God may permit the other view in the church of the men and women being co-equal in the marriage relationship, as many again practice this model, but it isn’t believed to be the best model. It doesn’t seem reasonable to assume God would permit the woman to lead the man, unless perhaps the man was disabled in a way in which it made sense. That seems common sensical. In stating these things, then, the speaker would encourage those within the Evangelical community to evaluate what they believe and practice in the marriage relationship, and what to look for in a spouse for those who are single.

       Verse 19: “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” (ESV).

       Notice the contrast in the wife submitting to her husband. The contrast is that the husband should love his wife, which means showing actual concern for her well-being and feelings, not domineering over her and treating her harshly, as Paul pointed out. It is true that a man does need to have a certain level of firmness with a woman at least initially when courting or dating her. And really, even into the marriage relationship. This is what causes the woman to respect the man. If a man is super-nice to a woman from the start, often the woman will not show him a proper level of respect. Women think it is weird when guys are super-nice for no reason, and this is often not understood by men who are trying to show interest in a woman. A super-nice attitude can sometimes lead to rejection from the woman, and the men do not understand why. There needs to be a proper balance. Nonetheless, within the marriage relationship there is supposed to be genuine love from the husband, and love which is not harsh. Genuine love shows proper affection and also is understanding of the wife’s feelings. Not being harsh means not being unforgiving when mistakes are made and also not being jealous, like in the case of the mother’s love for the children.

       Marriage relationships have been observed where proper love is not shown, where the man is distant and unaffectionate toward the woman. Knowing what is known from psychology, it is known that some men naturally struggle with being affectionate and available with their time due to their attachment style. So, some men may have a greater difficultly with this versus others. When attending the Amish-Mennonite church, a peer brought up this very concern, wherein he confessed to the speaker in a one-on-one conversation that he had been spending too much time hunting. He was a younger fellow, and had only been married a year. But he relayed he liked to go hunting on Friday evenings and also during the day on Saturday, leaving his wife home alone. And he felt bad about it, saying he needed to take into account his wife’s feelings, and spend increased time with her. And that’s what the speaker re-iterated to him, that he was correct in his assessment. Sometime later, perhaps a couple months later, the issue was brought up again, wherein the guy didn’t actually realize he was doing it again—that he was spending too much time away from his wife. And the speaker pointed that out to him, and it is believed he made the correction. For the relationship seemed to grow stronger after that. So, hobbies, if done by oneself or with guy-friends, can become an issue if done too excessively.

       Harshness doesn’t seem to be something that is as easily observed, as it seems it’s actually hidden in the shadows. Sometimes it might only occur within the walls of the home and no one really knows about it. It may come forth suddenly to the outside world when a separation occurs, when the woman separates and moves out of the house. It wasn’t that the problem happened overnight, but it happened over a long period of time. Harshness seems like it was a sin that men struggled more with in the past, say fifty or a hundred years ago. But it’s also true that drug and alcohol addiction could lead to harshness, wherein due to the addiction, the husband doesn’t act properly. Just because a couple might be church-going, or Evangelical, doesn’t mean there can’t be problems like a husband (in our focus right now) being addicted to a substance which leads him to be harsh. Of course, other things can occur, like child abuse, and these are things that the family needs to be away from. The wife may not want to leave the man behind, but in the case of spousal abuse or child abuse or overwhelming addictive problems, it is necessary she take herself and her family away from the current situation. It is the right thing to do. And it may be that the wife is Christian, while the husband is not. In either case, appropriate action needs to be taken which leads to safety.

       Now Paul is moving our discussion toward children, and how the children are supposed to act, and how the fathers are supposed to act toward the children. Let’s deal with the first part first, as verse 20 leads us here: “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (ESV).

       When growing up as a kid, during the mid-90s, the earthly father often put the speaker and his brother to work during the late-Springtime and over the Summer. This is, we worked eight acres or so cutting grass and trimming trees. Often, on a given Saturday, ten or even twelve hours would be spent driving the tractor around. For sure, the speaker learned to use the John Deere around ten years of age. Whether it was the sweltering heat or whatnot, we’d be cutting the grass, working the fields. It was tuff work, especially at that young age. When an older age was reached, in the latter teens, and it wasn’t required to do the work anymore, it was concluded that that work had been too much. But then later, after college when working in the professional world, this belief was reversed and thankfulness ensued because of the ability of now being able to endure long, drawn out work, hard work, without as much effort as others. Since it had been instilled in us as a child, the speaker and his brother, we were able to perform better as adults later in life. For the most part, the father had been obeyed in childhood and the work willingly done (howbeit, with a little talkback maybe occasionally). What was seen at the time as hard, later brought about great results, and an easier professional work-life.

       And that’s why it is good when you children out there obey your parents. Even though it may not make sense right now in what they are asking you to do, whatever that is, working outside during the Summertime with the grass, or working longer on that homework, or helping with horses and other animals, whatever it is, you should do it. That is because later, when all is said and done, when you are older, you will be happy that you did. You will have a stronger work ethic than others, be more intelligent, possibly be accepted into more prestigious colleges, be able to take care of the animals, whatever it is, because of the work that your parents guided you to do as a child. That’s the beautiful thing. Even if God doesn’t necessarily have it in his plan that you do the same kinds of things your parents did, he can use whatever obedience you demonstrated toward other things. Besides, in general, doing what the parents want cultivates an obedient attitude when dealing with teachers or bosses, dealing with those in the outside world. It makes God happy as, after all, the last thing a father needs is to work hard during the day, and then to come home to children who are uncooperative, who won’t do what he says. The last thing a mother needs is to give her time toward the children only to have them disrespect her, and not treat her fairly when what she does is for the children’s good, for their best interests.

       Let’s imagine for example that God showed up at your house one day, and he asked you, the child, how things were going. What are you going to say? “Well, my parents are just too overbearing. My dad makes me help cut the grass on Saturday mornings, and he doesn’t even pay me a fair amount. Sometimes he won’t let me go hang out with friends because he says there is work to do around the house. Then, on top of that, during the week my mom makes me sometimes spend two hours on my homework, not just one. She overworks me and requires too much, just like my teachers. Both my dad and mom really are unreasonable and unfair.” What do you think God would say to that? “Aren’t they giving you everything you need to live? Don’t they sometimes let you see your friends? Isn’t your schoolwork important? Don’t you think you should do what they say?” Suppose God asks another child what he thinks. Suppose that child responds, “Well, my parents really are fair to me. My dad only asks me to help him Saturday mornings, which isn’t even that much. He even pays me for what I do. Then, my mom helps me with my homework, and usually I don’t have to work on it that long, maybe an hour a night. They really are fair to me and don’t ask too much.” Which child do you think God will be happy with?

       Verse 21 of Colossians 3: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (ESV).

       The call from the Apostle Paul in this verse is for fathers (and really, this could be said for mothers as well), not to be excessively hard on their children. We know, or should know by now, that being unreasonably hard on children causes them to not want to try anymore. It appears, in our current time, that generally it doesn’t seem this is so much of a problem in our society. It definitely used to be, say anywhere from thirty years ago on back, but in the same way as the marital relationship has undergone renovations in many individuals minds, so has the parental relationship. What is meant is that generally the struggle in our day and age is the reverse, in that fathers are too lenient on their children. That is, they sometimes don’t discipline them enough, so that children become not as structured as they should be or could be. This has been the observation made in many instances. Obviously, this would be a result of fathers themselves not being disciplined, or caring too much about themselves that they don’t pay enough attention to their children. Of course, if the father is absent, that puts the burden on the mother for all the discipline that is needed.

       What happens when the fathers are unreasonably strict on their kids? The observation has been that generally the kids become rebellious as they get older, and sometimes this rebelliousness is in secret. This seems to happen more often in a stricter church, where the father is strict. But again, it seems to be becoming less common in our current time. Also, it can happen when the father is over-ambitious in that he wants his kid to be the best, say, in a certain sport. Probably more common for us to understand. Whatever the reason for this kind of attitude on the part of the father, it is Biblically incorrect. And it has always boggled the mind that in stricter churches fathers have justified their strict upbringing of their children. Of course, it depends on one’s view of strictness in what one allows for their children. But another way to tell if the father has been too overbearing, it has been personally observed, is that generally the male children will sometimes bully peers or siblings. This is unfortunate, and when it is seen, it is often also noticed that the father appears to be strict. Certainly, there would be others reasons that bullying by children could occur.

       And one more thing on this subject, it can be quickly noted that just as earthly fathers should not provoke their children, this would also mean that God does not provoke us, as his children. Some Christians feel God is strict, and constantly correcting them, but this verse goes to show us that isn’t the case. If one believes in internal promptings from the Holy Spirit, this would also mean that the Holy Spirit does not constantly correct with internal promptings or even external signs. These would be feelings generated by the old-self, the sin-nature, inside the person, and that old-self can lead people to believe God is correcting them constantly when he isn’t.

       Moving along. Let’s go ahead and read the next section in full as a paragraph, including verse 1 of Colossians 4, since it all goes together: “Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. Masters, treat your bondservants justly and fairly, knowing that you also have a Master in heaven” (ESV).

       First, let’s point out the common observation that is made when coming to this passage that Paul did not confront the issue of slavery when talking to the church. That wouldn’t have been conducive for the time, as God didn’t send him to abolish slavery in the physical sense, though, through his message spiritual slavery was abolished in anyone who believed, regardless of earthly conditions. The Spirit of God address slaves here since, undoubtedly, there were enslaved people who had believed in the Gospel and thus were part of the body of believers. The Apostle says elsewhere that in the body of Christ there is not distinction on whether one is enslaved in the earthly sense or not when it comes to one’s position in the church (see Galatians 3:28 for example). All were considered equal. Paul would also encourage elsewhere for slaves to become free if given the opportunity (see 1 Corinthians 7:21). Regardless, people in this bondage need also to act in ways which were proper the be a follower of Jesus, and thus Paul lays out his prescription. And the foundation of that is that slaves were to obey those who ruled over them (those who owned them) in everything. This certainly would not have included anything that was against the New Testament, against God, anything that was sin. Peter had said in Acts that man should be obeyed unless it contradicts what God wants, in essence.

       Whatever our earthly condition, all of us “are serving the Lord Christ,” as Paul stated. This includes whether we are free, enslaved, working at job, doing church-work, helping others, whatever it is. And he talks about Heavenly rewards in the passage, which is shifting our focus toward the life after this one, to those rewards that all of us will hopefully receive to some degree by our obedience to God here on the earth as we live out our lives. Important stuff. It appears often times we lose sight of this in our modern times. We are often so focused on what we can get in this life. We hear the phrase, “You only live once,” and even the speaker has said it to others at times. While that is true, it can, if we are not careful, imply that all that really matters is what we get out of this world. The implication can be that, “We better get all we can in the here and now because we won’t be coming this way again.” Paul presents us with a different perspective, a different view, the view that the good things that we do now accrue for us eternal rewards which we aren’t going to lose. This gives us encouragement to act properly and do more good, perhaps being kinder and more generous than we would have been now knowing this fact. Keeping it in the forefront of our minds. And in the same respect as Paul encouraged masters to do good to their slaves, being just and fair towards them as all persons are all equal, so should we follow that model, and anyone in a leadership position, or who is over others, needs to remember that correct attitude, Godly attitude, that they should have.

- Daniel Litton